Tho I've been putting off shaving until this point, and now I finally did it, the silly beard and moustache have been temporarily removed (with blood spilled to pay for it), and together with extra long hair, I look maybe a little bit feminine. In the dark, with the face half-covered by said hair, from a good angle, to a biased observer. I took some selfies and in all honesty I still look like shit, but simultaneously the best I ever have, it's progress.
suicide (no one in particular), re educationWell this was about as soulcrushingly tedious and pointless as I could've expected. Here's to several more years of flushing down 8+ hours of my day every weekday! And they wonder why teenagers kill themselves so often.
ANyway I was going to mention. I thought the introduction of arbitrary searches of people's belongings by cops on entry was only for schools, but it seems like it is "routine" in universities too.
So, basically, I was stopped by a cop at the entrance and told to turn my backpack inside out for him. Yeah no biggie. place is ran like a prison, this is a logical progression lol.
There was a torrent of other people pouring in at the same time, and I specifically was plucked out, why would that be?
mh-9 days in, first mental breakdown! Of many I'm sure.
It's progress though, I've been able to break the mental block on spontaneously walking out of class mid-lecture. Perhaps next time I have to do it to save at least a shred of sanity I can do it without grabbing my head and shaking.
mh- suicide mentionThe most suitable word for all this is soulcrushing. My rage at being robbed of my life for jack shit has no resolution or outlet. I just have to balance everything carefully to minimize the chances of trying to kill myself on impulse, in hopes that if I can survive long enough society might get less hostile
Fascist university adventures threadThere is a type of fascist thug (we have several of it as teachers) that, when faced with even a hint of a lack of eager obedience, gets really pissy and petty, demeaning, verbally abusive
This makes me less inclined to mindlessly obey, not more. Hey guy, what are you hoping to achieve by antagonizing me, you know I will just increase the fucking thing right?
Fascist university adventures threadIt's all further practice rolling my eyes, very demonstratively of how deaf my ears are to this sort of crashout by now.
No, we are not having a tet-a-tet after class, I've had enough of your crashout for today. I am leaving no matter how much it spites you because, again, I have a dignity to uphold
Fascist university adventures threadIt's almost funny, how little (or, perhaps, how much) self-awareness there is in saying "let's see you rolling your eyes like that in the army!"
You know what threatening someone with torture in a concentration camp so pettily makes you, right
Fascist university adventures threadGosh, this homework is so egregiously stupid, wasting any of my spare time on it would be such self-disrespect the idea is revulsing.
This means being the target of more crashouts in the near future, but I'll bite, I rly don't give a fuck at this point
Fascist university adventures threadThis education system is all irrelevant nonsense, presented incompetently and laced with hostile power dynamics on every step. This is my final stretch within this disaster, hanging on limply until the new year is a calculated move, it may slightly improve my outlook, but I don't care that much if I get kicked out earlier either. That means I have an easy ticket to defying the hostile power dynamics, any manipulation they try is unlikely to be anything to me.
Fascist university adventures threadIt would be less stressful going with the flow, to sit out this fascist regime, without my mom's regular harassment fucking my brains out with how I'm so foolish and ruining my life by not being enough of an obedient shit-eater and responsible adult planning ahead for years. Saying absolutely nothing I don't already know, and achieving nothing, besides making me feel less safe at home.
Fascist university adventures threadIt is apparently inconcievable to her that the Normal Respectable Person Life Path is not applicable, not here, not now, and not to me; and going on, and on, and on about how I must see reason and pull myself up by the bootstraps will not change that, only make everyone involved more miserable for the day.
Fascist university adventures threadMore of the same shit today. Fucking pathetic bitch, the moment I think she's starting to dial back the moronicity, nope, circling right back to the harassment and manipulations.
Pissy shit, and so pissy to think she could possibly break me like this. I have more apathy to spare at this point than a person should need in their lifetime.
Fascist university adventures thread"hnghhhhhhgrhh" because, today I had to leave halfway through the school day (it's the same crap as a school, anyway), to preserve some of my sanity. Too exhausted of the clownery.
Fascist university adventures threadIt's the status quo, but actually, tedious memorization of disjoined data points is a mockery of learning. Especially if you're being antagonized all throughout.
I'm having to unplug and bottle up the emotions they rely on to hurt and manipulate, and the more I have to do it, the more draining it is to do
Fascist university adventures threadThis faculty seems to specialize much more in grammar nazism and multi-century-old literature than anything relevant, anyway. Were they more competent at it, I still wouldn't want to go a whole lot.
Fascist university adventures threadcasually threatening me with military concentration camp too now. lol I do not care.
It's telling of, something, that possible military conscription is such a go-to vector of threatening people into obedience. It's the cheapest trick in a manipulative chucklefuck's book.
And too bad I'm too apathetic towards my future at this point for it to do anything. My course is set, and either it works, or it doesn't.
affirmations to delay breakdownI don't owe society anything. society owes me everything. "lazy" and "shameless" are words for me to reclaim and add to my strength. I must shed the shackles of shame and propriety, if that's what it takes to save my dignity. Normalcy is dead, and I know who killed it.
